Let me start by saying that it is not always easy to identify if you’re in an abusive relationship. It is also hard to admit that you’re in one simply because you can be too blinded or manipulated by the person you think genuinely loves you. I am very familiar with this feeling and if you’re reading this to confirm what you already suspect, know that you’re not alone and can get through this. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, take my story as a warning or advice for someone you know who is showing similarities with my narrative. The abuse happened to me in 4 phases.
PHASE I: The Honeymoon Phase. (The part where everything is fine and dreamy).
My first experience with an abusive relationship started when I was 15 years old. I was a sophomore in high school, and I had just met this great guy in my band program. He was shy and sweet, and we started growing closer and closer after spending so many hours together during band rehearsals, performances, and meetings. He asked me out on a date, and it went exceptionally well. He opened doors for me, bought me any little craving or item I wanted. I was smitten! Quickly, we became inseparable.
PHASE II: Changing your style or habits.
Three months went by with little to no hiccups. Over time, however, he slowly started questioning me about how I chose to dress. He told me my shorts were “too short” or that I shouldn’t wear leggings because they show the “curves of my body” to other boys. He would tell me to wear sweats and hand me his oversized hoodies, making my female body disappear under all the baggy clothes. I felt obligated because I never wanted my significant other to feel uncomfortable in our relationship. If your significant other is changing you for the worse, it is most likely a sign that they are toxic for you.
PHASE III: Isolating you from your friends and sometimes even your family.
Before I knew it, he told me who I could and couldn’t talk to or hang out with. He told me I was allowed to see my friends twice a month, and he expected me to only hang out with him all the other days. If I still had the urge to spend more time with my friends, I would have to ask him permission. So, if your significant other isolates you from your friends and family and only be dependent on him, you need to leave that relationship. If that seems impossible, reach out to friends, mentors, or counselors. They can guide you and help you.
PHASE IV: The verbal, mental, and physical abuse...and getting out of it all.
For a year and a half, he would gaslight me. He would make me feel like it was my fault if any other guy was remotely interested in me and would call me a “slut” or a “whore.” If I happened to talk to them in any way, even if it were to tell them I wasn’t interested, he would still become furious. When he would get caught up in a lie, he would twist it and make me think I was crazy and being “irrational.” If I attempted to leave the relationship, he would manipulate me by saying he would take his own life if I did. At one point, I ended things in person after school, and as I was walking away, he grabbed me by my arm and shoved me against the school’s brick wall, leading me to cut my forehead open on the wall. My biology instructor noticed something was off the next day, and he advised me to go to this meeting in the library. He didn’t tell me what it was for, but I realized it was a presentation on abusive relationships once I got there. The speaker, being a survivor of a violent relationship herself, went over the critical signs of an abusive relationship, and out of the ten key points, my boyfriend at the time matched nine out of the ten. I thanked my instructor, sought help from the school counselor and my friends.
Finally, when I ended things with my abusive boyfriend, he begged me, insulted me, harassed me through text, and threatened to kill himself again. My friends told me that I needed to block him and that if he decided to end his life, it was his decision and not my fault. I told the counselor he needed help.
After a whole year and a half of toxicity, I finally felt so free to be done with him and the entire relationship. I felt so alive. I blocked him for two years, and my counselor ensured he wouldn’t be anywhere near me for the remainder of my high school years. He got the help he needed. He went to therapy. Then, just over a year ago, he asked me to meet him so he could apologize to me in person over a cup of coffee. I did, and everything went better than I thought.
I know that not everyone’s abusive partner/ex-partner changes or can be changed, but I hope that my experience and advice can help anyone out there and give them hope. Just know that you are not alone.
If you or a friend need help, please reach out to a counselor, professor, or any of the following hotlines.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
For the Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800‑273‑8255
Los Angeles Crisis Hotline: 1-800-854-7771
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