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Anonymous

How Many Sexual Partners Are Too Many?

Updated: Dec 5, 2021


It really depends. It depends on how you "see" this person and what you want out of this relationship. Is this long-term monogamy, a one-time booty call, friends with benefits, or an open relationship? If this person is a former/casual fling, the number should not matter (as long as you have protected sex and armor for protecting your heart). If you both intend to have a serious relationship that may lead to monogamy, the number certainly means something. But my greatest concerns tend to be:


1) Does this person have any STIs/STDs or sexual conditions from previous unprotected sex?

2) Does this person have past trauma or a history of sexual abuse in their early childhood/adolescence?

3) Does this person have a mental illness/condition with promiscuity/sexual impulsiveness as a symptom (Eg. BPD, ADHD, etc.)?

4) Does this person have a history of being a cheater?


Focusing solely on the number of sexual partners only scratches the surface. You have to think about how long/short their relationships lasted, what was the cause of the breakups, are there any unhealthy emotional patterns this person still has or refuses to address, are you comfortable with their sexual orientation/attractions, and if they really have what it takes to sustain a long term, committed relationship. Suppose you are the kind of person who wants to have children someday. In that case, you have to ask yourself if the person you are seeing is or has the potential to be "parent material." Those are the kind of questions and concerns you should be focused on instead of the number of past sexual partners. It is unrealistic to expect somebody to be a virgin (man/woman/other). If your partner is, it is also unfair if they wish you to have been the same way.


For example, put yourself in the mindset of a customer at a used car dealership. Good mileage is not the only thing that makes for a decent car. Honey, if you like the car and the car runs smoothly to your satisfaction, why concern yourself with who previously drove the vehicle? Maybe the previous car owner was a complete idiot who did not know how to drive it to its full potential. And perhaps you are the person who can. We all need to practice some kind of grace in serious relationships.


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